how to repair a relationship after an argument

8 ways couples can effectively repair after a conflict:

• 1. Don’t criticize your partner.
• 2. Approach conflict with a problem-solving attitude.
• 3. Use “I” statements rather than “You” statements.
• 4. Take a short break.
• 5. Use body language.

Full Answer

What to do after an argument with your partner?

The ongoing resentment you feel after the argument can damage an important relationship. If you need to work or live with someone, or you enjoyed the friendship in the past, then it is worth doing what you can to restore your positive feelings about the relationship and their sense of connection to you. Choose to regain respect

How can I heal my relationship after a fight?

We’ve collected seven steps to healing your relationship after a fight. 1. Immediately after – or during – the fight, take an intentional "timeout" Trying to resolve an argument when you’re both feeling emotionally charged is risky – and oftentimes, actually causes further damage.

How do you deal with a heated argument with your partner?

Some couples find it helpful to have a plan in place for arguments, such as an agreement that it’s okay to leave a heated situation if the purpose is to prevent escalation. Others might schedule time a few days later to revisit the conversation, once emotions have cooled.

Is it possible to bond with your partner during an argument?

While it can be difficult to hear your partner speak about your role in an argument, now’s not the time to play defense. Active listening is one tool within the healthy communication toolkit -- an effective way to promote bonding with your partner, as everyone feels like they’re being heard.

Can a relationship go back to normal after a big fight?

Well, you are not alone if you don't know what to do next to help you feel close and loving again. The good news is that it's never too late to start over. As you will see in this video, great couples know how to come back together after a conflict. They develop a toolbox of making-up techniques.

How do you restore intimacy after a fight?

How to Reconnect and Repair Intimacy After ConflictTalk and Talk and Talk. Bodies, minds, and hearts work in unison when a betrayal or relationship conflict has occurred. ... Apologize to Each Other. ... Problem Solve. ... Build Your Bond. ... Focus on Emotional Intimacy. ... Reconnect Intimately. ... Intimacy Doesn't Happen Overnight.

Why do guys go silent after an argument?

Your guy might be pained by the role played in the disagreement, and he could be feeling guilty for hurting you. Hence, he can decide to ignore you to figure out the best way to apologize. So, when he goes silent after an argument, this is one of the possible reasons.

How do you step back emotionally?

The Healing Power of “Stepping Back” From Intense Emotional SituationsR-recognize what is going on. Recognizing involves consciously acknowledging your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. ... A-allow the experience to be there. Just as it is. ... I-investigate with interest and care. ... N-nurture with self-compassion.

How do you make him value you after a fight?

Boyfriends need a push at times. They need to be told things that they don't realize. Having an open line of communication is always a sign of a healthy relationship. That's why one of the simplest answers to how to make him value you after a fight, or in general, is to talk it out.

How long should I give him space after a fight?

How long should I give my partner space after an argument? A few hours is probably enough. Everyone's different, and your partner might need more or less time than you to calm down. In general, men need more time and space after an argument than women do.

Is it normal to be distant after a fight?

At the same time, if he's feeling a lot of pressure from you to commit or your relationship is moving at a rapid pace, he may also choose to act in a distant manner in order to slow things down and take the time he needs to figure out what he really wants going forward.

What does stonewalling mean in a relationship?

In simple terms, stonewalling is when someone completely shuts down in a conversation or refuses to interact with another person.

Why do we need to restore relationships?

Don't destroy relationships you need even more now because of the psychological effects of physical distancing. Restoring relationships increases your feelings of self-respect as well as your care for others. You replenish a sense of harmony in your world. It takes much more energy to avoid someone than to rediscover what is valuable about the person. Practice reconnecting to bring more peace and meaning into this time of uncertainty.

How to destroy a relationship?

One of the quickest ways to destroy a relationship is to lose respect. Without respect, it is difficult to work with colleagues, honor friendships, or stay in love with your spouse. Feeling contempt or shutting down when you see a person keeps you stuck in a toxic emotional pattern. You pay more attention to the faults of the person and the disappointments of their behavior. You are left feeling callous and cold.

How does distancing affect relationships?

The tension felt these days are making emotions easy to trigger. Physical distancing leads to depression, anxiety, and sleep disruptions. 1 Reactions to online comments are causing hurtful disagreements. Even with people you care about, you are more likely to force the last word in an argument or you are disengaging after people say things you judge as totally wrong. The ongoing resentment you feel after the argument can damage an important relationship. If you need to work or live with someone, or you enjoyed the friendship in the past, then it is worth doing what you can to restore your positive feelings about the relationship and their sense of connection to you.

How to stop being angry when someone says something?

Regulate your reactions. You might find their defensiveness triggers you to feel angry or fearful. If your breathing quickens or stops, take a deep breath into your abdomen and slowly let the breath out. As your brain settles down, choose to be curious about why the person had a negative reaction to your words.

What to do before a conversation with someone?

Before your next conversation with the person, be clear what you want as an outcome. They may feel hurt or angry so you need to keep your intention as the anchor for the conversation. Your intention will keep you on purpose even if they don’t respond as you hope.

What to say to someone who is misunderstanding you?

Don’t say, “don’t take it personally” or “don’t be so defensive.” You will fortify the person’s negative reactions. Tell the person you are sorry for the misunderstanding but you are hoping to stay positively connected now.

How to deal with someone who is reacting defensively?

If the person you are speaking with reacts defensively, accept their response. If they feel the need to punish you, listen with the intention to restore the relationship you once had. Remember what is important about staying connected. Know the person is doing the best he or she can, working through a difficult moment just like you.

Why is it important to repair a conflict?

To repair, it’s also important for both people to accept responsibility for the ways in which they contributed to the conflict. It’s common for both partners to feel defensive and self-righteous.

What happens after a bad fight?

After a bad fight, your emotional bond in the relationship may be damaged and if it is not repaired, the relationship may start to feel unsafe or insecure. This can lead to negative sentiment override, a feeling of stuck-ness, and an increase in conflict.

When is the best time to repair?

The best time to repair is during conflict or soon after conflict has ended. However, you or your partner may need some time to decompress after conflict, regulate your nervous systems, and regain composure before you’re ready to repair.

Are arguments in a relationship normal?

Arguments and conflict in a relationship are normal and inevitable . There are many different types of conflict you may face in a relationship and all have the potential to destroy your relationship or bring you closer.

What is a good relationship?

Good relationships are those in which the partners allow mutual influence. At least some of the time, you need to be willing to take on suggestions your partner makes or incorporate their way of seeing an issue into your own view. You don't have to be smooth in how you communicate with your partner.

How to communicate with your partner?

You don't have to be smooth in how you communicate with your partner. If you stumble over your phrasing, but your intention is good, your tone and your body language will help communicate your true intention.

What does "acknowledge" mean in an argument?

Acknowledge what needs, wants, thoughts, feelings, etc., they have expressed that are totally reasonable (or have an element of being reasonable). People don't always do this in the heat of an argument, so if you didn't do it during the argument, do it after the fact.

What to say to a girlfriend after an argument?

Tell them that even after an argument, you are still their partner and that you will never stop loving them. They need to hear it and you need to be reminded that’s the case. It will help.

What does it mean when someone argues?

The act of arguing shows that there’s work to do in a relationship and that both partners are, in their way, trying to make something happen, working towards a larger goal, and attempting to understand ways to do better.

How to cool off when you're shoring things up?

Turn all your attention to the kids. This should help you cool off (if you need it) and makes you emotionally useful while you two are shoring things up.

How to apologize for losing your cool?

Explain that you lost your cool in the moment. Don’t retread over the things she said or place blame. Apologize for a specific outburst and move on.

How to close a rift with a parent?

Find a moment to compliment them on something they did — as a parent, as a partner, as a friend, as an employee, whatever. Be genuine. State the specifics. This can help close the rift.

What to do when she wants to do something together?

If there’s something that she’s been wanting to do together that you haven’t gotten around to scheduling, make arrangements to do that thing. Whether it's therapy, a vacation, or dinner at a new restaurant.

What to do after a cooling off period?

After a cooling off period, sit down together and come up with a few things you can do to not repeat the situation. Come to a joint conclusion. Is it sexy? Is it dramatic? No. But it works.

How to heal a relationship after an argument?

Healing your relationship following an argument can take time, persistence, and patience. By communicating and problem-solving together, it’s possible to work through the pain and hurt. You can understand one another better, strengthen your relationship, and discover a solution that can work for both of you. Remember, it’s completely normal ...

Why is it important to take timeouts after an argument?

Trying to resolve an argument when you’re both feeling emotionally charged is risky – and oftentimes, actually causes further damage. That’s why it’s important to take timeouts, whether that’s in the heat of the conflict or directly after the argument.

Why do we have conflict in relationships?

Conflict in a relationship is inevitable -- we all have different wants and needs. Naturally, these different wants and needs make it so that we don’t always see eye-to-eye. In our worst moments, even minor miscommunications can trigger full-blown fights.

Why is it important to identify and problem-solve the underlying issue?

It’s important to identify and problem-solve the underlying issue -- this is what prevents the same argument from escalating again.

How to tell your partner you are upset?

Try repeating what you hear them say back to them. Even a simple statement like, “It sounds like you felt hurt when I spoke over you” can be a validating statement when your partner is upset.

What does it mean to apologize for an argument?

Rather, an apology is acknowledging that you have both been hurt; you still care and are there for your partner; and you do want to heal from the argument. You can extend the olive branch with:

What to do after you've cooled down?

After you’ve both cooled down, try not to hang on to feelings of anger and hurt. This will only cause you more suffering, and risk further harm to your relationship. So when the time is right, consider offering an apology (or an "olive branch," so to speak).

What to do if you see a brewing fight?

If you see signs of a brewing fight—a shift in tone or body language — stop and take a break.

How does touch affect a relationship?

Has touch in your relationship been relegated to the bedroom? Studies show that touching each other, especially during time of stress, is not only a primal, direct way of showing compassion and feeling for your partner; it also increases your sense of connection. According to the work of Jennifer L. Goetz and others, touch is involved in two social process related to the evolution of compassion: soothing, and the formation of cooperative bonds. Compassion makes you aware of your partner—and his or her pain—and touch reinforces that awareness. While distress promotes focus on the self (“I hurt!”), compassion and touch establish connection. Since the really destructive forms of interaction in relationships include defensive and offensive behaviors—physical and emotional separation of the dyad—touch is one way of re-establishing connection. And touch here means just what it sounds like—a hand on the forearm, for example. When you reach for your partner, what does your touch convey? Does your spouse touch you or don’t you touch at all? Ask yourself honestly and discuss it.

How does touch affect compassion?

Goetz and others, touch is involved in two social process related to the evolution of compassion: soothing, and the formation of cooperative bonds. Compassion makes you aware of your partner—and his or her pain—and touch reinforces that awareness.

What did Arthur Aron do?

Famously, Arthur Aron and his colleagues did a series of experiments in which they generated feelings of closeness through personal disclosure . In long-term relationships, this kind of talk—which was the basis for connecting in the first place—is often abandoned and forgotten. Bring it back by spending time sharing.

How does boredom affect marital satisfaction?

Boredom plays an important role in declining marital satisfaction, according to research by Irene Tsapelas and others finding that being bored in a relationship today can predict dissatisfaction nine years from now. It’s not just conflict that you need to pay attention to but levels of engagement.

How to talk about your differences?

Not in a blaming or argumentative way, but thoughtfully. Talking about your differences in a spirit of reconciliation can help each of you sort out what you bring to the party. For example, research shows that people with secure attachment styles who had loving and attuned relationships in childhood are unlikely to display patterns of demand or withdrawal; but insecurely attached people are. Talking about the ways in which you react and respond differently can be very constructive, as long you don’t do it in a critical or denigrating way.

How to bring back a crystal ball?

Bring it back by spending time sharing. Ask each other questions that go beyond the mundane: "If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?” (This question is drawn from Aron's study.) Done right, this doesn’t have to be a parlor game.

What does it mean to apologize for an argument?

Apologies are simply about taking responsibility for your side of the argument.

What is the front end of disagreement?

Disagreements will flare up in any close relationship, and there are two parts to them: At the front-end is the way the argument unfolds. This is about balance and containment. The balance is exactly that — that both partners need to feel safe enough to speak up. It doesn’t work when there isn’t that balance — when one person dominates ...

Why do you do the silent treatment?

You do the silent treatment, not because you don’t know how to make-up , but because it’s your way of punishing and essentially continuing the argument in another form. Here partners often throw in passive-aggressive behaviors to rub salt into the other's wounds. Don’t do the deep-freeze.

Did Jason and Kate argue?

Jason and Kate had one of those late-night arguments last night…again. It wasn’t one of their worst, but it left them both feeling raw. The next morning was awkward, circling around each other in the kitchen as they got coffee. One of them finally mumbled an apology, and the other did the same, both trying to just put it behind them. Case closed.

What to think about when thinking about relationship problems?

When thinking about relationship problems it’s easy to think in terms of people, specifically who is right, who is wrong, who is screwed up, and who is really screwed up. This isn’t usually helpful and only leads to a blame game. Instead of people, think patterns.

How to get out of the emotional mud?

Action gets you out of the emotional mud and is an excellent antidote to depression and feeling trapped. So give your partner a hug five times a day whether you feel like it or not and see if it doesn’t change the emotional climate in the house. 7. Think small, think success. The hug is actually a good place to start.

Is hugging a good idea?

The hug is actually a good place to start. Because change creates anxiety, both change and anxiety are best tolerated in smaller doses. Because the goal is to break patterns, to do it different rather than doing it right, you don’t need to think make-over or major campaign.

Can you make changes on your own?

You can make changes on your own, but it is a lot easier with support. Obvious supports are people in your corner – your friend who encourages you, your mother who calls up and asks how you’re doing, a therapist who coaches from the sidelines and keeps you on track.